Working mom vs. Stay-at-home mom

friday, february 04, 2005

During our breakfast together last Sunday morning, my little brother said something that really got me thinking about my way of seeing money and parenting.

Now that I am pregnant with my second child and my little sister-in-law is also pregnant (with her first), we are facing the same challenge of how to take care of our babies while we are at work. I have been lucky to have mom taking care of my first baby these couple of years. I understand my mom very well, and I know that she would prefer to help take care my little brother’s baby once it’s born. She is a very traditional Chinese woman and somehow believes that the son’s child is closer related to her than the daughter’s child is, and it would be her duty to help out the son first. So, my husband and I are about to go for our nanny searching.

In our surprise, my little brother and sister-in-law have decided to take care of the baby without my mom’s help. My sister-in-law will quit her high-pay job and will become a stay-at-home mom. She is a very smart girl and a great worker. I felt that it would be a waste of her to just walk out from her rising career just like that. Both my little brother and sister-in-law are working in the finance industry, and each of them makes more than $100,000 a year. To me, it seems like a lot of money to walk away from.

However, my brother said something to me that made total sense. He told me that he and his wife realized that money couldn’t buy happiness. Both of their jobs have been very stressful and they have been buying a lot of expensive stuff to balance their stress. Each pair of his shoes cost more than $300. and it is absolutely not necessary. He also remembered that about 7 years ago when he and his wife (then girlfriend) were still students, they worked their butts off on part time jobs to save enough money to buy a used Toyota. They were so happy when they finally brought the car. On the other hand, a month ago, he and his wife walked into the Mercedes Benz dealer and walked out with a brand new car without feeling anything. Therefore, they realized that materials were not doing anything for them. They love kids, and that my sister-in-law would be so much happier to stay at home for them. I tried to remind them that kid’s education costs a lot of money, but they don’t really think that education is the most important thing. Both of them studied at public schools in bad neighborhoods, then graduated from Pace University. Over the years, they have been working with many Harvard graduates and they know that these Harvard graduates are no better than they are, except for the better resumes.

I totally respect my brother’s opinion, but it is totally contradict with my original concept. I always believed that now I need to work harder so I could make more money to provide the best education to my kids. I also thought that I should be more successful at work so that when my kids grow up, I could be the wise, successful mom to lead them and give them advices. (Donald Trump would not be Donald Trump if his dad wasn’t a great real estate developer.) If I spend their first 18 years playing with them at home, by the time they are old enough to enter the work force, I would have nothing to give them… What to do? What is the right choose? No wonder that’s not such thing as a perfect parent.

Thanks to all 1st generation Asian American moms.

My husband won the 2006 Outstanding 50 Asian Americans in Business Award (www.outstanding50.com). It was a great encouragement for us. Since I have been running the business with him for the last 7 years, I assume his award also belongs to me. (Whether he agrees or not.)

Honestly, we are only doing okay in terms of financial achievements. But being in the business we love; and that we can feel like we are going to the office to play every day… that’s something we can really be proud of and to feel lucky about.

Now, I am imagining if it was me who won the award, what I would have to say. Let’s see. I would definitely thanks to all 1st generation Asian American moms. They are the most selfless creatures in the world. With their help, the generation 1.5 Asian American kids (like me) would have the luxury to focus on achieving in businesses.

Use my family as an example: When my husband and I started our business 7 years ago, we worked 6-7 days a week; and we couldn’t leave work until 10pm. Every night we got home at 11pm, we had delicious warm meal waiting for us on our dining table. My mother-in-law cooked the dishes. She also did all the housework for us. Best of all, she never complained how bad her daughter-in-law was in doing housework. She only praised me on how good I was at work.

Now, we have 2 babies in the house. It is my own mom’s turn to contribute all her time and take care of my children. This is a great sacrifice. But a lot of 1st generation Asian American mom (grandma) would do it gracefully. So amazing!